Tuesday, September 21, 2010

...The wisdom to know the difference

A few days ago I proclaimed to myself: " I'm done praying, bored with eating, over loving" as I read someone's tweet talking about Eat.Pray.Love.

Last week, I had picked up my friends copy of the book and read a few pages - the words touched something in me, almost begging me to see my own truth and make decisions about my life. I need to read the rest of the book, but for now I have my story to live and tell.

I have dreams, big and small. Sometimes I think they are stupid, sometimes I think they are impossible, sometimes they keep me up at night, but the most important part is the fact that I have dreams again. After my trip around the world courtesy of Smirnoff a couple years ago, I came back somewhat empty. I had now lived my biggest dream - to travel, and I didn't really expect to have happened before I hit 25. It happened, and I'm forever grateful, even though the 2 years since have been torturous for my soul. Me dreaming again means I'm finally waking up and wanting to live and get more out of life. Don't know how I will make any of it happen, but I will.

* I'm in two minds about sharing what it is I'd like to do on such a public forum. So, for now, I'll whisper it to the universe *

Today, I put the final nail on the coffin of a long and weird relationship. A man who had been a part of my life in some way or form over past 3 years, we went through our ups, downs, breaks up and make ups and today, finally we died. For the sake of my self love I had to make a really difficult call and walk away, for the very last time. Good times were had, and I know I will miss him very much, I will forgive myself and him and I will emerge. I had to be selfish, I had to put myself first and out of harms way, I had to realise the fantasy wasn't meant to be. I'm proud of myself for the strength and taking back control of my life.

Today, the serenity prayer visited my heart and I spoke the words, without hesitation,however from in the past tense. God GAVE me the strength to change what I could not accept, the courage to change what I could and ....wisdom to know the difference. This I am grateful for

In work, in play, in love, we need to exercise the wisdom to know the difference.

Focus. Eliminate distraction. Beat obstructions. Learn. And march forward believing in our dreams.

No matter how many disappointments I face, dark days when I wonder if any of this will make sense, I promise myself to keep marching, never give up but know when to let go and try another avenue.

Failure is choosing not to get up. We do our best, even if the road to tomorrow is unclear.

Love, light and laughter

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

... To be thankful

As I typed the title, Yolanda Adams' song 'Open up my heart' popped into my head. I think that it is the perfect soundtrack to my path right now.

So to begin; I've moved back to Joburg, Jozi, Jobusy, Jonasbeg, Johazardous and it's been just over a week since I touched down. I left Cape Town with a heavy heart as I felt I hadn't even begun to do the things I'd set my mind to accomplish in the year I spent. But regret and missed/ unacknowledged opportunity aside, I realise I will have another chance to spread my wings - maybe even in another country altogether. Before I let my fantasies take me away to dreams beyond, I need to concentrate on the right now. The now that has me in this unfamiliar city I've spent 15 odd years of my life... JiggyJointville.

The past few months have been riddled with confusion, distraction, states of limbo and so much more I can't quite articulate right now, I can however express the realisation I've been in a negative state of mind.

Today, I'd like to take the opportunity to be thankful for what I do have and not allow what I lack, even though this lack exists, to bury my in darkness. I don't want to be Alice falling down the rabbit hole anymore, I don't want to be consumed by this deep and burning sense of failure that seems to have extinguished the fire in my eyes and passion in my heart...

I'm thankful for the people who have believe and believed in me, through it all. It means so much; humbling and inspiring.
I am thankful for the opportunities I have been given to find my voice - I'm still trying.
I am thankful that everyday I'm learning that I can be great at anything I put my mind to.
I am thankful that I know I am running from my own greatness. This hard truth is setting me free - one step at a time.

I keep walking. I keep trying. I will be better, for me and in turn for whoever crosses my path on their own journey to greatness. Our gifts, talents, skills aren't ours to keep - we learn, to share.



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